Happy Birthday Mark Twain!

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

All right, then, I'll go to hell.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.

It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul. 

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.

All emotion is involuntary when genuine.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.

Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

When in doubt tell the truth.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Happy Birthday Theodor Mommsen!

Der großstädtische Luxus macht manche fleißige Hand reich und ernährt mehr Arme, als die almosenspendende Menschenliebe.

Die Demokratie hat sich immer dadurch vernichtet, daß sie die äußersten Konsequenzen ihres Prinzips durchführt.

Alle Hoheit und Herrlichkeit der Menschennatur beruht nicht auf der Klugheit, sondern auf der Ehrlichkeit.

Wenn der Mensch keinen Genuß mehr an seiner Arbeit findet und nur arbeitet, um so schnell wie möglich zum Genuß zu gelangen, so ist es nur Zufall, wenn er kein Verbrecher wird.

Große Naturen genießen das Vorrecht, aus dem, worüber die Menge der Guten verzweifelt, Begeisterung zu schöpfen.

Es ist die tiefste und herrlichste Wirkung der musischen Künste und vor allem der Poesie, daß sie die Schranken der bürgerlichen Gemeinden aufheben und aus den Stämmen ein Volk, aus den Völkern eine Welt erschaffen.

Die Kunst des Messens unterwirft dem Menschen die Welt.

Gefahr ist wie Einsamkeit. Beide verengen kleine Seelen, während sie große weiten; beide erdrücken gemeine Geister, während sie edle stählen und erheben.

Gewöhnliche Menschen schauen die Früchte ihres Tuns; der Same, den geniale Naturen ausstreuen, geht langsam auf.

Die Einsicht in das Mögliche und Unmögliche ist es, die den Helden vom Abenteurer scheidet.

Das Verhängnis ist mächtiger als das Genie. Aber dennoch ist es ein Privilegium der höchsten Naturen, schöpferisch zu irren. Die genialen Versuche großer Männer, das Ideal zu realisieren, wenn sie auch ihr Ziel nicht erreichen, bilden den besten Schatz der Nationen.

Das Äußerste liegt der Leidenschaft zu allernächst.

Jede große Zeit erfaßt den ganzen Menschen.

In dem Glauben an das Ideale ist alle Macht wie alle Ohnmacht der Demokratie begründet.

Die heilige Allianz der Völker ist das Ziel meiner Jugend gewesen und ist noch der Stern des alten Mannes.

Ohne Leidenschaft gibt's keine Genialität.

Cicero war eine Journalistennatur im schlechtesten Sinne des Wortes, an Worten, wie er selber gesteht, überreich, an Gedanken über alle Begriffe arm.

Für großartig angelegte Menschen ist es die schwerste Aufgabe, auf der Zinne des Erfolges dessen natürliche Schranke zu erkennen.

Wenn eine Regierung nicht regieren kann, hört sie auf, legitim zu sein und es hat, wer die Macht, auch das Recht, sie zu stürzen.

Happy Birthday Ben Stiller!

If you look at my eyes when I'm dancing, you'll see that glazed look.

Mit der Karriere ist es wie beim Sex: Es zählt nicht die Länge, sondern wie man sein Talent einsetzt!

I don't think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time.

I just watched Paul Michael Glaser. He was the reason I wanted to do the movie because as a kid I was such a big fan of his. I watched all the episodes and tried to get a feeling for what he was doing.

It was a mixed blessing to have famous parents. It was tough to go to auditions and be bad, since I couldn't be anonymous.

I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy.

I'm always willing to endure humiliation on behalf of my characters.

I'm not an expert on the Malaysian sense of humor.

Very quickly after meeting Dustin, the whole image I had of him was shattered.

Maybe forced retirement isn't necessary after all.

I have a lot of nervous energy. Work is my best way of channelling that into something productive unless I want to wind up assaulting the postman or gardener.

The failure of The Cable Guy impacted my career. I had to start writing and acting again.

You're freaked out that you're going to be having a child, and once you're looking after your daughter, it's the most beautiful thing in the world.

There's an old saying in Hollywood: It's not the length of your film, it's how you use it.

I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face.

Whatever talent I had, I'm sure it helped that my parents were in the business and that I grew up around actors, comedians and directors.

I love New York. I was sad, depressed and incredibly moved by our fellow countrymen and what they've done. I wanted to give people a chance to see something funny, have a distraction.

Zoolander was more of my own sensibility.

There's always an element of fear that you need to work a lot until people get sick and tired of you or finally figure out that you're a fraud after all!

I don't think know if anything's going to translate anywhere. You're making a movie, you hope it's going to be funny, you can't think about how it's going to go over.

Jim Carrey, a comic genius, has a harder time overcoming the public's desire for him to be funny simply because he's so good at it.

Paul is Starsky, and I met him before shooting. He was very kind and encouraged us to go with what we wanted to do. It was very sweet to see them back with the car after 25 years.

I don't have a burning desire to be taken seriously as an actor. I don't have a master plan in that way.

Sometimes I wondered whether I hadn't let my career get confined to one direction, but lately I've decided to accept the fact that I have this opportunity to be successful doing comedies.

I don't devalue comedy as compared to drama. Not one bit.

I enjoy the work I do in comedies. It's a valid test of your creative abilities.

My parents used to throw great New Year's Eve parties. They invited such an eclectic mix of showbiz people. All those cool people were always hanging out at our apartment.

My own parents were touchy-feely.

I've had a very good career and I'm grateful that the public has had some level of acceptance and appreciation of my work.

Even when I'm not directing, that doesn't stop Owen from having ideas for what I should be doing.

I think people will be curious to see what I can do as a dramatic actor.

Fashion is so over the top.

The cliches are that it's the most generic Starsky and Hutch plot you can find.

I would like to do more dramas when I find a good role that will allow me to politely upset people's expectations of me as a comic actor.

Happy Birthday Jonathan Swift!

Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.

Der Verstand ist dem Menschen gegeben, damit er ihn benutzt.

When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him.

Die Motive der besten Handlungen vertragen kein zu genaues Erforschen. Die Beweggründe der meisten Handlungen, der guten wie der Bösen, mag man mit Selbstliebe erklären.

The proper words in the proper places are the true definition of style.

Es ist ein bekanntes Talent niedriger und kleiner Geister, stets den Namen eines großen Mannes im Munde zu führen.

Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest people uneasy is the best bred in the room.

Alte Herren und Kometen werden aus dem gleichen Grunde verehrt: wegen ihrer langen Bärte und der Behauptung, daß sie die Ereignisse voraussagen.

Books, the children of the brain.

Kein Wissen scheint schwerer zu erwerben als die Erkenntnis, wann man aufhören muß.

A lie does not consist in the indirect position of words, but in the desire and intention, by false speaking, to deceive and injure your neighbour.

Wenn mich jemand zwingt, Abstand zu wahren, habe ich den Trost, daß er ihn gleichfalls wahrt.

I never knew a man come to greatness or eminence who lay abed late in the morning.

Laut Hippokrates, Aph. 32.6, neigen Stotterer stets zu Durchfall. Ich wollte, es stände im Vermögen der Ärzte, den Wortreichtum so mancher Leute in die inneren Teile zu befördern.

As love without esteem is capricious and volatile; esteem without love is languid and cold.

Alle Loblieder enthalten eine Beimischung Opium.

I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.

Was nützt die Freiheit des Denkens, wenn sie nicht zur Freiheit des Handelns führt?

We have enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.

Ich hielt es stets für den unwiderlegtesten und am allgemeinsten anerkannten Grundsatz, daß die Freiheit eines Volkes darin besteht, daß es nur durch Gesetze regiert wird, die unter seiner eigenen Einwilligung erlassen werden.

There is nothing constant in this world but inconsistency.

Wir haben gerade genug Religion in uns, einander zu hassen, aber nicht genug, einander zu lieben.

A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart.

Engstirnige Menschen sind wie Flaschen mit einem engen Hals; je weniger darin ist, desto mehr Geräusch entsteht beim Ausschütten.

Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent.

Die Satire ist eine Art Spiegel, in dem der Betrachter fast jedermanns Gesicht erkennen kann, außer dem eigenen.

Vanity is a mark of humility rather than of pride.

Die Fähigkeit zum Wortspiel ist ein Talent, das keiner verachtet, ausgenommen der, welcher es nicht besitzt.

Better belly burst than good liquor be lost.

Was Männer und Frauen im Himmel tun, wissen wir nicht. Sicher ist nur, daß sie nicht heiraten.

May you live all the days of your life.

Der Mensch sollte sich niemals genieren, einen Irrtum zuzugeben, zeigt er doch damit, daß er sich entwickelt, daß er gescheiter ist als gestern.

Under this window in stormy weather I marry this man and woman together; Let none but Him who rules the thunder Put this man and woman asunder.

Erscheint ein wahres Genie in der Welt, so könnt ihr es daran erkennen, daß alle Dummköpfe ein Bündnis gegen es geschlossen haben.

My nose itched, and I knew I should drink wine or kiss a fool.

Für einen Mann gibt es nur drei Möglichkeiten, dem Urteil der Welt zu begegnen. Er kann es verachten, gleiches mit gleichem vergelten oder versuchen, ihm auszuweichen. Der erste Weg wird gewöhnlich vorgetäuscht, der letzte ist fast unmöglich und der zweite wird im allgemeinen benutzt.

For in reason, all government without the consent of the governed is the very definition of slavery.

Die Satire gilt als leichteste Art, geistreich zu sein.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.

Der auf schlechten Wegen erworbene Reichtum ist noch nie zu guten Zwecken verwendet worden.

He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.

Klagen sind die größte Wertschätzung, die der Himmel empfängt.

Every dog must have his day.

Gutes Benehmen ist die Kunst, Menschen unseren Umgang angenehm zu machen.

It is a maxim among these lawyers, that whatever hath been done before, may legally be done again: and therefore they take special care to record all the decisions formerly made against common justice and the general reason of mankind.

Ehrgeiz veranlaßt die Menschen oft, die niedrigsten Dienste zu verrichten:so wird ihr Klettern zum Kriechen.

Although men are accused of not knowing their own weakness, yet perhaps few know their own strength. It is in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold which the owner knows not of.

Vision ist die Kunst, Unsichtbares zu sehen.

One enemy can do more hurt than ten friends can do good.

Genaugenommen leben sehr wenige Menschen in der Gegenwart, die meisten bereiten sich gerade vor, demnächst zu leben.

What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; what they do not do we are told expressly.

Jedes Lachen vermehrt das Glück auf Erden.

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.

Himmel, was muß das für ein Narr gewesen sein, der das Küssen erfunden hat!

I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.

Die meisten Menschen sind wie Stecknadeln: Der Kopf ist nicht das Wichtigste an ihnen.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

Taucht ein Genie auf, verbrüdern sich die Dummköpfe.

Words are but wind; and learning is nothing but words; ergo, learning is nothing but wind.

Das Genie erkennt man daran, daß es alle Dummköpfe gegen sich hat.

Power is no blessing in itself, except when it is used to protect the innocent.

Wenn mich die vernünftige Auffassung eines Menschen völlig überzeugt, so wird sie zu meiner eigenen.

Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

Wenn jemand mich von sich fernhält, so tröste ich mich damit, daß er auch sich von mir fernhält.

A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle.

"Das war vortrefflich bemerkt!" sage ich, wenn ich in einem Autor eine Stelle lese, wo seine Meinung mit der meinigen zusammentrifft. Wo wir aber verschieden denken, da erkläre ich ihn "im Irrtum".

A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday.

Lob ist ein Kind der herrschenden Macht.

Every man desires to live long, but no man wishes to be old.

Schönheit sollte besteuert werden, und jede schöne Frau sollte ihre Steuer selbst festsetzen. Eine solche Steuer würde gerne bezahlt und hätte die besten Wirkungen.

Nothing is so great an example of bad manners as flattery. If you flatter all the company, you please none; If you flatter only one or two, you offend the rest.

Die stoische Forderung, unsere Bedürfnisse dadurch zu befriedigen, daß wir unsere Wünsche beschneiden, ist das gleiche, als wenn wir uns die Füße abhackten, wenn uns Schuhe fehlen.

Where I am not understood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profound is couched underneath.

Ich wundere mich nicht, daß die Menschen böse sind, aber ich wundere mich häufig, daß sie sich nicht schämen.

The latter part of a wise person's life is occupied with curing the follies, prejudices and false opinions they contracted earlier.

Zur Macht des Glückes bekennen sich nur die Unglücklichen, denn die Glücklichen führen alle ihre Erfolge auf Klugheit und Tüchtigkeit zurück.

Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly.

Happy Birthday Garry Shandling!

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.

I'd like to do more acting.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

'The Larry Sanders Show,' it's actually about love, which would sound like a paradox at first. But if that love didn't exist, the darker attitudes would not play. You would have a one-dimensional, cynical show, which I don't think the show was.

I once saw an elaborate landscape in a gallery, drawn in pencil, that took my breath away. Then I realized the artist probably didn't have enough confidence to use a pen.

I am interested in how human beings react to crisis and conflict.

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out.

I keep my scrapbooks in the car. When I come to a stoplight, I start looking through my past. Sometimes I wish the red lights were longer.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

Nobody can write better jokes putting me down than me.

When I don't have a good time, it's usually because there's a stiffness that stifles creativity.

It takes me so long to get tired of a man. It's women that are the problem. Don't get me wrong. I think men have their problems just as much as women.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I feel that everything I do in my life I can do in a shorter time than most men can. It's the quality, not the quantity.

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?

I like to talk on the cell when I do interviews. That way, I double my chances of getting brain cancer: from the cell phone, and from the questions.

Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.

Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?

I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I've done a lot of stuff. I don't know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I'll tell you, he wasn't bad.

Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.

I may discuss love, and I don't mind if two men fall in love, fine. Two women, fine. But I flinch when I think of two Jewish women getting together and having a child because the idea of having two Jewish mothers makes my head explode. I have one; I couldn't handle two.

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

Happy Birthday Clive Staples Lewis!

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.

With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.

The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather for the devil.

The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.

I gave in, and admitted that God was God.

Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success.

Long before history began we men have got together apart from the women and done things. We had time.

There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.

Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal. As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time.

Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.

Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.

The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles, but to irrigate deserts.

An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason.

Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.

We are what we believe we are.

Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.

Telling us to obey instinct is like telling us to obey 'people.' People say different things: so do instincts. Our instincts are at war... Each instinct, if you listen to it, will claim to be gratified at the expense of the rest.

A man who is eating or lying with his wife or preparing to go to sleep in humility, thankfulness and temperance, is, by Christian standards, in an infinitely higher state than one who is listening to Bach or reading Plato in a state of pride.

Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.

You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me.

The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ, and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.

What I call my 'self' now is hardly a person at all. It's mainly a meeting place for various natural forces, desires, and fears, etcetera, some of which come from my ancestors, and some from my education, some perhaps from devils. The self you were really intended to be is something that lives not from nature but from God.

Miracles do not, in fact, break the laws of nature.

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.

Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.

Thirty was so strange for me. I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.

If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.

Reason is the natural order of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning.

Happy Birthday Wilhelm Hauff!

Es ist etwas Schönes um ein Mädchen, das in sanfter, stiller Liebe ist, es ist etwas Heiliges…

Grief is a stone that bears one down, But two bear it lightly.

Gestern noch auf stolzen Rossen, Heute durch die Brust geschossen, Morgen in das kühle Grab.

Truly, associating with bad books is often more dangerous than associating with bad people.

Die Leihbibliotheken studiere, wer den Geist des Volkes kennen lernen will.

Es ist kein Autor so gering und klein, der nicht dächt, etwas Rechts zu sein.

Kaum gedacht, kaum gedacht, ward der Lust ein End' gemacht. Es ist kein Autor so gering und klein, der nicht dächt', etwas zu Rechts zu sein.

Man soll den Teufel nicht an die Wand malen, sonst kömmt er.

Mutterliebe! Mutterliebe! Allerheiligstes der Liebe! Ach! die Erdensprache ist so arm. Oh, vernähm` ich jene Engel Chöre, hört ich ihrer Töne heilig Klingen, Wort der Begeisterung wollt ich singen: "Heilig, heilig ist die Mutterliebe!"

Die Aussteuer ist die einzige Steuer, die nicht hoch genug sein kann.

Es ist des Menschen Eitelkeit, die ihn zu Lug und Trug verleit.

Ein Rater in zwei Feinden Mitten kann es leicht mit beiden verschütten.

Steh ich in finst'rer Mitternacht so einsam auf der fernen Wacht...

Wie soll ich dich nennen, du hohes, edles, rohes, barbarisches, liebliches, unharmonisches, gesangvolles, zurückstoßendes und doch so mild erquickendes Leben der Burschenjahre? Welche Töne soll ich euch geben, um mich verständlich zu machen? Welche Farben dir, du nie begriffenes Chaos! Ich soll dich beschreiben? Nie! Deine lächerliche Außenseite liegt offen, die sieht der Laie, die kann man ihm beschreiben, aber deinen inneren, lieblichen Schmelz kennt nur der Bergmann, der singend mit seinen Brüdern hinabfuhr in den tiefen Schacht. Gold bringt er herauf, reines, lauteres Gold, viel oder wenig, gilt gleich viel. Aber dies ist nicht seine ganze Ausbeute. Was er geschaut, mag er dem Laien nicht beschreiben, es wäre allzu sonderbar und doch zu köstlich für sein Ohr. Es leben die Geister in der Tiefe, die sonst kein Ohr erfaßt, kein Auge schaut. Musik ertönt in jenen Hallen, die jedem nüchternen Ohr leer und bedeutungslos ertönt. Doch dem, der mit gefühlt und mit gesungen, giebt sie eine eigene Weihe, wenn er auch über das Loch in seiner Mütze lächelt, das er als Symbolum zurückgebracht.

Die Mißgunst lauscht auf allen Wegen, daß sie der Liebe Glück verrät; doch treue, zarte Liebe geht, auf tausend unbewachten Stegen; ein Druck der Hand, ein flücht´ger Blick, sagt mir der Liebe Glück.

Jede Religion hat ihre Dämonen und bösen Geister.

Und wird einmal der Geist uns trübe, Wir baden uns im alten Wein, Und ziehen mit Gesang und Liebe, In unser'n Freudenhimmel ein.

Wahrhaftig, der Umgang mit schlechten Büchern ist oft gefährlicher als mit schlechten Menschen.

Morgenrot, leuchtest mir zum frühen Tod? Bald wird die Trompete blasen, dann muß ich mein Leben lassen, ich und mancher Kamerad!

Wohl dem, dessen Taten jene stille Größe in sich tragen, die den Lohn in sich selbst findet und ohne Dank bei der Mitwelt, ohne Ansprüche auf die Nachwelt entsteht, ins Leben tritt, – verschwindet.

Es ist doch besser zufrieden sein mit wenigem als Gold und Güter haben und ein kaltes Herz.

Die Idee eines Teufels ist so alt als die Welt und nicht erst durch die Bibel unter die Menschen gekommen. Jede Religion hat ihre Dämonen und bösen Geister – natürlich weil die Menschen von Anfang an gesündigt haben und nach ihrem gewöhnlichen Anthropomorphismus das Böse, das sie sehen, einem Geiste zuschieben, dessen Geschäft es sei, überall Unheil anzurichten.

Ach, wie bald, ach, wie bald, schwindet Schönheit und Gestalt.

Es ist für ein edles Gemüt kein Gedanke drückender als der, für undankbar zu gelten bei Männern, in deren Augen wir geachtet sein möchten.

Prahlst du mit deinen Wangen, Die wie Milch und Purpur prangen, Ach, die Rosen welken all!

Es ist … bei allen großen Herren und Potentaten Sitte, ihre Freude und ihre Trauer recht laut und deutlich zu begehen.

Happy Birthday Claus von Wagner!

Was ist das denn hier, Sieben Tage, sieben Zöpfe, oder was?

Wir kämpfen doch für die Meinungsfreiheit! - Ja, aber doch in Russland, nicht hier!!!

Eigentlich soll der Satiriker Satire machen und die Journalisten Journalismus. Zur Zeit haben wir aber das Gefühl, es ist umgekehrt: da sollen wir Journalismus machen, und die Nachrichten machen manchmal unfreiwillig Satire.

Die Grünen haben keine Werte mehr, die man verraten könnte.

Ich hab da mal was für Sie vorbereitet.

Waffen in Kriegsgebiete liefern ist kein Tabu-Bruch, sondern gute alte deutsche Tradition.

Was sollen wir denn da drüben, die haben Waffen - Ja, von uns.

Der Verfassungsschutz - die FIFA unter den Staatsorganen.

Das ist keine Berichterstattung - das ist ne Generalmobilmachung.

Überziehen Sie sie mit Unterlassungserklärungen - Dafür haben wir doch jetzt keine Zeit. - Dafür haben wir DIE ZEIT.

Happy Birthday Jon Stewart!

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

Was ist das für eine Flüssigkeit?

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Ich werde an einem Schultag mit meiner Familie abendessen. Ich habe von mehreren Quellen gehört, es sei wundervoll.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

There is a tendency to live in a nostalgic state in this country, and to think that other generations possessed an integrity and a tenacity greater than the generation that is now. I wholeheartedly disagree with that. I believe that this is a group that will rise up to any challenge that comes before them as well as any other generation in America would have done.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

Hey! Nice nominee you got there. Be a shame if something happened to him, Mr. President. Know what I mean?

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Little and hairy. But if The New York Post want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

I signed up for what? I thought I was just ordering cable.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

So now, instead of being spied on by the Executive Branch, it turns out we're being spied on by all the branches. I think— I think you're misunderstanding the perceived problem here, Mr. President. No one is saying that you broke any laws. We're just saying, it's a little bit weird that you didn't have to.

Big election tomorrow! But y'know, I was thinking this weekend, as I was running the New York Marathon, um, how much like an election it is. This 22.6 mile, grueling race through all five boroughs—many, many cultures—and, uh, much like our own elections, always won by either a Kenyan or a Moroccan.

You shouldn't have talking points about a person before that person can talk!

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews—an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.

So what I'm getting from Fox is this: Exploiting government largess, while reprehensive and morally corrupting for an individual, is A-OK for corporations. So, maybe this'll help: Don't think about food stamps, and Head Start, and programs like that as feeding and helping a small child. Think about it as investing in a promising start-up with a liquidity problem.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.

So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.

We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is — on the brink of catastrophe — torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.