The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.
It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it.
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.
All emotion is involuntary when genuine.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
When in doubt tell the truth.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
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