R.I.P Joan Rivers!

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

Never floss with a stranger.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

It's feast or famine in showbiz.

Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.