Happy Birthday Tim Allen!

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Ich bin Autosüchtig, ich glaub ich muss mal in die HENRY FORD KLINIK.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

I have a thing for tools.

I do a lot of family shows.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.