Happy Birthday George Carlin!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Haben Sie beim Autofahren schon bemerkt, dass jeder, der langsamer fährt als Sie, ein Idiot ist und jeder, der schneller fährt, ein Verrückter?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Vermeiden Sie Personen mit Goldzähnen, die Karten spielen wollen.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Haben Sie beim Autofahren schon bemerkt, daß jeder, der langsamer fährt als Sie, ein Idiot ist und jeder, der schneller fährt, ein Verrückter?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Das Paradox unserer Zeit ist: 
Wir haben hohe Gebäude, aber eine niedrige Toleranz. 
Wir haben größere Häuser, aber kleinere Familien. 
Wir haben unseren Besitz vervielfacht, aber unsere Werte reduziert. 
Wir kommen zum Mond, aber nicht an die Tür des Nachbarn. 
Wir haben den Weltraum erobert, aber nicht den Raum in uns. 
Wir können Atome spalten, aber nicht unsere Vorurteile. 

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Vergesst nicht, mehr Zeit denen zu schenken, die ihr liebt, weil sie nicht immer mit euch sein werden. Sagt ein gutes Wort denen, die euch jetzt voll Begeisterung von unten her anschauen, weil diese kleinen Geschöpfe bald erwachsen werden und nicht mehr mit euch sein werden. Findet Zeit euch zu lieben. 

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.