I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can't get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That's in friendship, that's a deal, that's a commitment. Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.
Mit Humor kann man Frauen am leichtesten verführen, denn die meisten Frauen lachen gerne, bevor sie anfangen zu küssen.
Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything.
Es gibt sicher viele Gründe für die Scheidung, aber der Hauptgrund ist und bleibt die Hochzeit.
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Milliardäre sind Leute, die auch einmal als ganz gewöhnliche Millionäre angefangen haben.
I never got a formal education. So my intellect is my common sense. I don't have anything else going for me. And my common sense opens the door to instinct.
Jeder Mann tauscht eine Frau, die Kopfschmerzen hat, sehr gern gegen eine andere, die welche verursacht.
I tell young comics, 'Do you want this badly enough? It's there. But you have to go get it. And if you think I'm going to give you the key to the lock of that door, there is no key, there is no lock, and there is no door.'
Botschaften soll man per Telex verschicken, aber nicht in einen Film verpacken.
I don't want to be remembered. I want the nice words when I can hear them.
Der Traum der Männer wäre, den Frauen in die Arme sinken zu können, ohne ihnen gleichzeitig in die Hände fallen zu müssen.
I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already.
Die Pistole ist eines der wichtigsten Navigationsmittel der modernen Luftfahrt.
I've had great success being a total idiot.
Ehemänner leben länger als Junggesellen. Das ist ihre Strafe.
I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope.
Ein Baby ist ein Magen mit einem Lautsprecher auf der einen Seite und einem Auspuff auf der anderen.
We're leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth... or couldn't get better jobs in the first place.
Es ist immer schwierig, jemanden zu bemitleiden, der einige Millionen Dollar auf dem Konto hat.
Gambling is part of the human condition. I love it. I have the best time gambling. I've been winning fortunes, and I've been losing them.
Feiglinge sind Leute, die mit den Füßen nachdenken.
Postwar America was a very buttoned-up nation. Radio shows were run by censors, Presidents wore hats, ladies wore girdles. We came straight out of the blue - nobody was expecting anything like Martin and Lewis. A sexy guy and a monkey is how some people saw us.
Festredner sind Menschen, die im Schlaf anderer Menschen sprechen.
It'll keep you alive for another 10 years if you get yourself a laugh once a day: either provoke it, or look around in the wildest laboratory in the world, the public.
Frauen können Recht und Unrecht leicht voneinander unterscheiden: Unrecht hat immer der Mann.
I never tell an audience what they can expect. I never have and I never will. I'm an entertainer for 75 years.
Frauen, die Abwechslung lieben, sollten Boxer heiraten, dann haben sie die Gewißheit, daß ihr Mann nach jedem Kampf anders aussieht.
People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.
Jede Frau ist leicht zufriedenzustellen. Sie braucht nur fünf andere Frauen zu sehen, die dicker sind als sie selbst.
When I would be myself, I was being big-headed. I was being egotistical. I was a megalomaniac, when it really was just having not to be a monkey for a few hours a day. And fulfilling the need to be a man.
Kleinlebewesen vermehren sich durch Zellteilung, Bürokraten durch Arbeitsteilung.
Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!
Kriege werden erst aufhören, wenn alle Menschen nackt sind, weil man dann Freund und Feind nicht unterscheiden kann.
I think the cartoons that they're children are watching, particularly 'The Simpsons,' they're OK. I think that the adult audience is making much too much of the danger that they imply. That's not the case. The danger for children today, honey, is the news. Keep them away from news on television.
Millionär zu werden, ist heute leicht - wenn man Milliardär ist.
From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay courts to cement to wood floors, coming off pianos, going out a two-story window, landing on Dean, falling into the rough. You do that and you're gonna have problems.
Vorgesetzte sind Menschen, die sich um mehrere Stunden verspäten können, ohne daß man sie vermißt.
This is the pain pacemaker. I've got a battery under my skin. From that battery are two electrodes that go into the spine where they cut bone away to accommodate it. Now I put on the power here. If I have the pain, the stimulator starts. It's tingling, like when your foot falls asleep, you know?
Weit hat es Apollo gebracht: einst ein Gott, jetzt eine Raumkapsel.
When I hit around 65, 66, I started to feel tremendous worth and incredible personal esteem. I was becoming very cognisant of my contribution to the American spirit of helping your fellow man and all of the good stuff.
Wer das Rauchen zuverlässig aufgeben möchte, braucht seine Pfeife nur an einem Benzinfaß auszuklopfen.
I get paid for what most kids get punished for.
Manches, das am Morgen noch Utopie gewesen ist, ist zu Mittag bereits Science-fiction und am Abend schon Wirklichkeit.
I really am opinionated, but not for long. I have found myself coming off of what I think of something because the guy I'm talking to makes better sense than I am. I have so many points of view, I can't keep track of 'em, because I talk to too many people... I'm not so opinionated that I won't budge.
Die Folgen der freien Liebe sind in Hollywood so weit gediehen, daß heute jeder als Aristokrat bezeichnet wird, der seinen Stammbaum bis zu seinem Vater zurückverfolgen kann.
I've had the greatest respect for my work in this country by Americans. Critics have no brains.
Heutzutage hat man keine Chance mehr, sich das Leben zu leisten, das man führt.
If I found the cure for dystrophy tomorrow, I would do a telethon in four weeks for acute pain that in this country is a bigger problem than cancer, heart, sickle cell, anemia, name it. It is - it's hitting 70 million Americans.
Es gibt kaum einen grösseren Schock, als von einem Erbonkel angepumpt zu werden.
The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.
Wenn du sie nicht durch Geschicklichkeit beeindrucken kannst, dann verblüffe sie mit Blödsinn.
When I sit back and think a little more rationally, I realize my life is half, so I must learn to do things halfway. I just have to learn to try to be good at being a half a person ... and get on with my life.
Chefs sollten knarrende Schuhe tragen. Das erspart viel Ärger im Büro.
I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope.
Lachen, das ist der Geist, der niest.
I get paid for what most kids get punished for.
Gesundheitstee heißt deshalb so, weil der Hersteller dabei finanziell gesundet.
My door is always open to any member who wishes to build consensus on reducing unnecessary spending. My preference is to consider any proposal in a thoughtful, deliberate manner rather than reading about it in the newspaper.
A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit, ... I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.
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