Happy Birthday Woody Allen!

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.