Happy Birthday Ricky Gervais!

I wish I had a pound for every time I offended someone. Wait, I do.

It's better to create something that others criticise than to create nothing and criticise others. Go create, have fun!

No one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. I want to see the struggle. That's the fun bit.

It annoys me that the burden of proof is on us. It should be "You came up with the idea. Why do you believe it?" I could tell you I've got superpowers. But I can't go up to people saying "Prove I can't fly." They'd go: "What do you mean 'Prove you can't fly'? Prove you can!"

It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.

Unlike religious people, I look at all religions equally.

You could easily spot any Religion of Peace. Its extremist members would be extremely peaceful.

Be happy. It really annoys negative people.

Why buy a book when you can join a library.

I don't think it matters if there is a god or not. I've met people who believe in God that are good and that are bad. And I've met people who don't believe in God that are good and that are bad. So, just be good. I'm good. Not cos I think I'll go to heaven but because when I do something bad, I feel bad. And when I do something good, I feel good.

Beliefs do not change facts. Facts, if one is rational, should change beliefs.

Got a proper job at 28. Gave it up to try comedy at 38. Decided to get fit and healthy at 48. It's never too late. But do it now.

The existence of God is not subjective. He either exists or he doesn’t. It’s not a matter of opinion. You can have your own opinions. But you can’t have your own facts.

You are the result of billions of years of evolution. You will only live for a few years and will never exist again. Absolutely beautiful.

Spirituality really lost its way when it became a stick to beat people with: ‘Do this or you’ll burn in hell.”

I think doing something creative is the most important thing to me, and I think it's probably just good for the soul for anyone, whatever it is. You don't have to be a film director - you can do gardening or something - but I think everyone needs to create something.

There's no difference between fame and infamy now. There's a new school of professional famous people that don't do anything. They don't create anything.

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Science seeks the truth. And it does not discriminate. For better or worse it finds things out. Science is humble. It knows what it knows and it knows what it doesn’t know. It bases its conclusions and beliefs on hard evidence -­- evidence that is constantly updated and upgraded. It doesn’t get offended when new facts come along. It embraces the body of knowledge. It doesn’t hold on to medieval practices because they are tradition.

Your critics want you to be as unhappy, unfulfilled and unimportant as they are. Let your happiness eat them up from inside.

Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.

… Science is constantly proved all the time. You see, if we take something like any fiction, any holy book… and destroyed it, in a thousand years’ time, that wouldn’t come back just as it was. Whereas if we took every science book, and every fact, and destroyed them all, in a thousand years they’d all be back, because all the same tests would [produce] the same result.

As an atheist, I see nothing “wrong” in believing in a God. I don’t think there is a God, but belief in him does no harm. If it helps you in any way, then that’s fine with me. It’s when belief starts infringing on other people’s rights when it worries me. I would never deny your right to believe in a God. I would just rather you didn’t kill people who believe in a different God, say. Or stone someone to death because your rulebook says their sexuality is immoral. It’s strange that anyone who believes that an all-powerful all-knowing, omniscient power responsible for everything that happens, would also want to judge and punish people for what they are.

Remember, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing.

People confuse the subject of the joke with the target of the joke, and they're very rarely the same.

I've never regretted turning money down. I don't do anything for the money. It bores me.

Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don't know whether you're in a trough until you're climbing out, or on a peak until you're coming down. And that's it you know, you never know what's round the corner. But it's all good. "If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain." Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

We Shouldn't even need the word 'atheism'. If people didn't invent ridiculous imaginary Gods, rational people wouldn't have to deny them.

You should make something. You should bring something into the world that wasn't in the world before. It doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't matter if it's a table or a film or gardening-everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say, 'I did that.'

Had an idea for celebrity big brother.Leave them in there for months and when they come out let them know it wasn't televised.

That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity.

Whether you believe that life evolved over billions of years or God made everything, you can't justify torturing an animal for a shampoo.

I am not a wolf in sheep's clothing, I'm a wolf in wolf's clothing.

I pay full tax and I love it. I wouldn't be where I am today without free education & the NHS.

If you can't joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what's the point of jokes? What's the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.

Being an Atheist, do you say bless you when somebody sneezes? No. I say 'cover your mouth you dirty cunt'.

Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

The only route to success is hard work. If you didn't work hard I don't think it counts as success.

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn't reoffended. I think he's going straight, which shows you prison does work.

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don't actually believe in fossils.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side!

Everyone has the right to believe in anything they want. And everyone else has the right to find it fucking ridiculous.

Ignorance might be bliss for the ignorant, but for the rest of us it's a right fucking pain in the arse.

Force your children to read The Bible. If they are smart and kind it will put them off religion for life.

You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.

Famous people are above the law.

Do unto others…’ is a good rule of thumb. I live by that. Forgiveness is probably the greatest virtue there is. But that’s exactly what it is - a virtue. Not just a Christian virtue. No one owns being good. I’m good. I just don’t believe I’ll be rewarded for it in heaven. My reward is here and now. It’s knowing that I try to do the right thing. That I lived a good life. And that’s where spirituality really lost its way. When it became a stick to beat people with. ‘Do this or you’ll burn in hell.’ You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.

We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're offended and expecting us to give a fuck.

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!

Same sex marriage isn't gay privilege, it's equal rights. Privilege would be something like gay people not paying taxes. Like churches don't.

Never confuse your right to say what you believe with a right to never be disagreed with and ridiculed for saying what you believe.

Where there's a will - there's a relative!

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It's all we've got.

You do your own thing and you see if you survive.

We shouldn't even need the word 'atheism'. If people didn't invent ridiculous imaginary gods, rational people wouldn't have to deny them.

Honor is a gift a man gives himself. You can be as good as anyone that ever lived. If you can read, you can learn everything that anyone ever learned. But you've got to want it.

Next time someone tells me they believe in God, I'll say 'Oh which one? Zeus? Hades? Jupiter? Mars? Odin? Thor? Krishna? Vishnu? Ra?...' If they say 'Just God. I only believe in the one God,' I'll point out that they are nearly as atheistic as me. I don't believe in 2,870 gods, and they don't believe in 2,869.

Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks.

I've never been insulted by hateful satanists for not believing in their devil. Only by loving Christians for not believing in their God.

The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.

Telling someone with depression to pull themselves together is about as useful as telling someone with cancer to just stop having cancer.

Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.

Suggesting I hate people with religion because I hate religion is like suggesting I hate people with cancer because I hate cancer.

Where there's a will - there's a relative!

Animals are not here for us to do as we please with. We are not their superiors, we are their equals. We are their family. Be kind to them.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth . . . Then he said, "Let there be light." Which means he made the entire universe in the dark! How fucking good is that? He's brilliant.

Just looking at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great work that was done this year . . . by cosmetic surgeons.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

We want to see a struggle. We want to see people falling over but getting themselves back up on their feet, and that's what's extraordinary- ordinary people and their struggle. There's nothing as interesting as real life out your window. You walk down the street for half an hour, I'll give you half an hour of drama.

You want to see the people you've sort of come to know and love, or love to hate, you want to see them develop in some way. And I hope people get sort of caught up in that arc.