Fernsehen bildet. Immer, wenn der Fernseher an ist, gehe ich in ein anderes Zimmer und lese.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Der Müllmann ist da. Sag ihm, wir brauchen nichts.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Ich sammle die dünnsten Bücher der Welt. Drei habe ich schon: Italienische Heldensagen, Die Geheimnisse der englischen Küche und 1000 Jahre deutscher Humor.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Es würde mir nicht im Traum einfallen, einem Klub beizutreten, der bereit wäre, jemanden wie mich als Mitglied aufzunehmen.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Gerechtigkeit im Krieg hat mit Gerechtigkeit soviel zu tun wie militärische Musik mit Musik.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
In Hollywood behalten die Bräute ihre Sträuße und werfen dafür ihre Männer weg.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Die Ehe ist eine wunderbare Institution, aber wer möchte schon in einer Institution leben?
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Militärische Intelligenz ist ein Widerspruch in sich.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Man kann nicht aus Büchern lieben lernen, denn die Liebe ist ein wieselflinker Kobold, der mal hierhin, mal dorthin springt, Herzen mit seinem Zauberstab berührt und dann wieder davon flattert wie die ersten Frühlingsboten.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Meine Dame, ich liebe meine Zigarre auch, und dennoch nehme ich sie dann und wann heraus.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Ein Mann ist so alt wie die Frau die er fühlt.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Es gibt kein schöneres Geräusch als das Zähneknirschen eines Kumpels.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Es würde mir nicht im Traum einfallen, einem Klub beizutreten, der bereit wäre, jemanden wie mich als Mitglied aufzunehmen.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Hinter jedem erfolgreichen Mann ist eine Frau. Hinter dieser ist seine Gattin.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Das Werden älter ist kein Problem. Du musst nur lang genug leben.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Du hast das Gehirn eines Vierjährigen und ich wette, der Knabe ist froh, dass er es los ist!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Ich habe eiserne Prinzipien. Wenn sie Ihnen nicht gefallen, habe ich auch noch andere.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Ich möchte keinem Club angehören, der mich als Mitglied aufnehmen würde!
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Bevor ich mit der Rede beginne, habe ich etwas wichtiges zu sagen.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Zimmerservice? Gebt mir ein größeres Zimmer!
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Fernsehen bildet. Immer, wenn der Fernseher an ist, gehe ich in ein anderes Zimmer und lese.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Jedem, der sagt, er könne Frauen durchschauen, fehlt viel.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Ich vergesse nie ein Gesicht, aber in Ihrem Fall mache ich gerne eine Ausnahme!
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Eine Frau ist ein gelegentliches Vergnügen, aber eine Zigarre ist immer Dunst.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
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